Review – Armageddon

Armageddon [1998]

Starring: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Liv Tyler, Ben Affleck, Will Patton, Steve Buscemi, Michael Clarke Duncan, Owen Wilson
Director: Michael Bay
Screenwriter: Jonathan Hensleigh, Jeffrey Abrams

Is it possible to film complete garbage? No, I don’t mean in the literal sense. Anyone can take a camera and place it in the middle of a dump. My question is really: is it possible to film a movie who’s true deserved place is next to Baby Huey’s diaper pile? When I asked myself this question, the first film that popped into my mind was Armageddon. At that, I knew I had to “review” it, and get it out of my system. This is a bad movie. But maybe I’m too harsh on it. After all, there are certainly worse movies out there. But at the moment, I’m having trouble thinking of them.

It’s your cliche disaster movie. Oh, and your cliche end-of-the-world disaster movie. But also your cliche end-of-the-world by meteor disaster movie. It’s a three in one deal! In a nutshell: the United States Government discovers that a huge meteor is going to collide with the earth. They figure that the only way to avert complete destruction is to send a team onto the meteor, drill a huge hole, throw in a nuke and blow it to bits. Ok, fine, I’ll accept the film’s logic for now. What I can’t accept is that the Government decides to hire a bunch of people from an offshore oil rig.

The team is headed by Harry Stamper, played unspectacularly by Bruce Willis. His team includes Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Michael Clarke Duncan, and Ben Affleck. Did I miss anyone? Probably, but it’s just not memorable enough for me to care. Oh, and Billy Bob Thornton’s the one who hires them all. Let’s not forget Liv Tyler, who plays Willis’ daughter, and is in love with Ben Affleck.

The dialogue is corny and downright pathetic. How did five people (yeah, apparently, for the story, screenplay and adaptation) write such crap? Not to mention the acting. The combination makes one sick. Example: Ben Affleck singing “Leaving on a Jet Plane” to Liv Tyler. It made me shudder.

The story goes exactly like you’d expect it to. They get to the meteor, shit goes wrong… Will they fix it and save the planet?! Well, if you can stomach watching this filth, you can find out. Or you can think of the way typical disaster movies turn out and you’ll most likely get your answer.

This movie is loud, obnoxious, poorly acted, atrociously written, and I can’t really recommend it on any level. The reason for the half star? For having the balls to ever let this see the light of day. Thanks, Michael Bay. I now know what crap on film looks like.

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